Adue, Adue… Parting is NOT such sweet sorrow…

Dear Alcohol,

I’d be lying if I told you, that it was me, and not you. We’ve been very close for a long time, but truth be told… I never really liked you.

When you were first introduced to me in the form of Southern Comfort, I had to hide you in a Vernors bottle just to take you to the park with me. You know a relationship isn’t healthy when you have to hide. That day, you basked in all your glory, while out of pure naivety I seriously over-indulged in your sweet, tangy flavor. What you did to me was wrong, even if it does make for a great story.

Do you remember all of the bruises I had from falling off of my bike that day on my way home? I guess I can say that you have never really been there to pick me up. When I did finally make it home, you confused me to the point that I couldn’t even see what was on the dinner table. I was so embarrassed when I asked my mom, “Is that pumpkin pie?” and she, of course, said no. It was August. The day before my first day of High School. That evening I made my first official drunk dial… before passing out, and dropping the phone, which was still dangling from the receiver when I finally woke up.I was only 14 years old then, and that was just the beginning.

Let’s not forget the time that you came to me fleetingly in the form of Hot Damn. I say fleetingly because your exit was swift, as I began to vomit… You have no idea how painful that was for me. Soon came the time when you would call yourself Jim Beam… You were sitting with my parents at the lake, while they were playing cards. I should’ve seen the signs. You had already left my cousin Bill puking in the lake, as you fixed your gaze upon my youthful face. You were only with me for a moment, one single deep kiss… It made my mouth water… And not in that good way.What you didn’t realize then, was that I had already been fooling around with your cousins… Bartles, and Jaymes… I began to pace as my mouth continued to water, and my stomach turned… That was the last I saw of any of you.

If you recall the night I snuck out to party with Miller Light Ice… When I came home at 4am to sneak back in, my dad was awake. I had to sit outside in the cold for 45 minutes while I prayed that he would go back to bed, so I could sneak inside to the warmth of my bathroom, and worship the porcelain God.

It has been a long, drawn-out affair for us, with many lessons learned. I had no idea the disaster you could cause. You’re a terrible pain in the ass, but I don’t mind saying that I am all the wiser to have known you.

I’m sure you will enjoy reminiscing over the night I met up with you at Bamboozles. It was Super Bowl Sunday, and I was out with the girls from work. I was having “boy problems”, and you were there, across the bar as I ate my chicken caesar salad. Pretty soon you were sitting right in front of me, in the form of a Long Island Iced Tea. You come in many flavors, but this was by far my favorite. Soon my friends were introducing me to many of your relatives… There was your cousin from Germany, Jagermeister… What the hell kind of name is that anyway? As well as your Mexican friend of the family, Tequila Sunrise. Then back to Jager… You traveled with me in the limousine (I had to sneak you out under my coat) while we headed to The Double Olive. There I met your sophisticated brothers… The Martini. First I met Bloody, then Blue, and before long I also met Chocolate… Must be from a different mother, yes?

This is where it starts to get a little fuzzy… We switched to shots, and I experienced that”Surfer on Acid” fellow, Oatmeal Cookie, Mind Eraser (total womanizer)… Who names these guys? At the same time I was also smooching on what the other girls were having… Multi-tasking at it’s finest. It was only after several Jager Bombs that I realized that I was starting to feel intoxicated… But Alas, it was too late. It was finally Lemon Drop who did me in… You KNOW i get motion sick in the car! When we got back into the limo driving down Michigan Ave. I was still trying to have a good time. I was laughing hysterically as Anna was mooning traffic out the back window of the limo. First you made me feel all warm, and fuzzy, then you really began twisting my insides. You didn’t even warm me that you would have me barf all over myself, and incidentally, all over Liz the waitress, sitting next to me. As I began to lose all sense of reality, I could feel the panic around me as my girlfriends hurdled me toward the rear window, so I could puke out of it… while in motion, as I continued to empty the contents of my stomach. From then on you rendered me completely useless.

Although I felt fine the next day, that was only because my friends, and roommates kept waking me to drink water, and eat Ibuprofin. See, you were never really there for me. You always had a knack for making things worse.

It was shortly after that incident that I started seeing Bobby. You and I were still hanging out occasionally, but I really fell hard for him. I had no idea that you had already been with him, inseparably for many years. The more I got to know Bobby, the less I saw him without you, but you were so quiet at first that I hardly noticed at all. It wasn’t until Bobby, and I actually had an argument that you stepped in with something to say. Which of course, blew things way out of proportion, and then I had no idea even, what we were first arguing about anyway. This would be the story of my life for the next many years. You, the aggressor, making something huge, out of nothing. Making me look bad so that Bobby would have an excuse to run to you.

At first I didn’t recognize the pattern. I had made my boundaries clear with you from the start. I had never seen first-hand the way you play with, and manipulate people… your prey. You would have Bobby feeling like he was in such good company, that he soon forgot all about me, and was absolutely exclusive with you. I hung in there because I loved him, and hoped that he would come to his senses, and realize how unhealthy your relationship was. A lot of time passed, and many times, and in many ways, I tried to give up. Building little walls around my heart where I could. So many nights I sat alone, crying, and worrying, while he was out having a good old time with you. Many parties that I wasn’t invited to. If, on the rare occasion I was invited, you would entice him to pick a fight with me, so that he could escape into the night with you, betraying my trust completely. You gave him the courage to degrade me publicly if I objected to any of the things that you, and he wanted to do.

When we first found out that I was pregnant, he realized for the first time that he wanted to think for himself. He woke me up one night from my hormonal stupor to have me witness a tearful man, dumping out a bottle of Captain Morgan, and my bottle of Belevedere vodka, from when I used to enjoy you as a Bloody Mary. He wanted to change, but your grip was a strong one. He managed to keep away from you for the duration of my pregnancy, but it wasn’t long after the birth of our son that I saw him turn to you once again in the face of the stresses of parenthood, and unhappiness at work. Your bond, once again increasing in strength until once again, I was, as was our son, less important that you were.

He would sit up with you at night watching the UFC, until it was time to go to bed. he would get up super early in the morning for work, feeling weak, and groggy, and half alive all day. He would come home from work needing a nap, and almost immediately retire into the bedroom not to emerge until well into the evening… and that was only when I decided to wake him. Several times I just left him to sleep.He was such a bear to wake up while under your influence. (We can’t forget the time he shattered the beautiful beveled glass door in Michigan, after slamming it because he was convinced that the other artist in my arts show was a coke-head… does that even make sense?) He would have been just as happy to completely sleep through his life, and that of our growing infant son. On the occasion he did rise, he would get up, grab a can of you in the form of cheap beer, from the fridge, and take you outside for a smoke before even saying a word to me, or even our son. It was after a year, and several months of this routine that I decided he loved you more, and I finally asked him to leave.

I wanted a better life for our son, and for myself, so I began plans to open up my own business, with the hope of being able to provide a secure life for us both. I was starting over. A single mom, and new business owner. I was trying to leave that dark corner of my life behind. A few months later, Bobby came to me, and he told me that he was trying to get some help with letting you go. He wanted his family back, and after a time, we began to try again. I committed myself to letting him back into my heart, even though you had wreaked havoc on our relationship. We would have to start over without you, and I was willing to try. It worked for a while, but he faltered eventually, and admittedly began to let you back into his life every so often, until it became a regular thing again. Old patterns re-emerging, and still I had no idea he was seeing you so much behind my back. I gave him the benefit of the doubt as he had asked me to, even though I could smell you on his breath, and oozing from his pores… but he continued to hide you, and I continued to hope that he wasn’t.

Finally, when the time came to move out of our shared apartment, and into a new one, which we had already signed for, he decided he did not want to give up his other place where he had stayed during our seperation. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to hide you from me forever. I was completely broke from my business investment, and I would need his help in sustaining our home environment. He had so much resentment from not being included in my business decisions, among other things during the time of our separation, that he felt like he needed not help support me, and I had supported us for so long before. Once again, he abandoned me to be with you.

We had a nasty fight, which you helped instigate, and you allowed him to say some terrible things. You even gave him the guts to threaten me physically. While you two were outside smoking, I woke our sleeping son, and dressed him, packed his bag, and we left to go stay with my mom. That weekend, while we had to move all of our belongings into a storage unit, and some into my mom’s house, you comforted him (If you could call it that), and influenced him to stay away, and not help us at all. Not even just to watch our son. You allowed him tot hink that he should sleep in an apartment with no heat or electricity, just to be with you.

After the dust had finally settled from our move into my mom’s house, Bobby and I were actually able to talk without swearing at each other. I never tried to keep our son away from him because what kind of mother would that make me? My only request was that he not drive anywhere with him. I figured that one day, our young son would become a man, and he could choose what to make of the outcome of these experiences for himself.

A few weeks passes, and Bobby made the call for help. Real help. Behind your back for once. He enlisted the help of real counselors, and a real treatment center. With the support of the company he works for, he made the choice to check into a place where he was welcome… and you are not.

The process was quick, and they wanted him to come right away. He asked me to take him, but not without a final goodbye to you. After a nasty verbal exchange, he had me stop at a store so he could embrace you one last time. He was shaking, and crying. A shell of a man powerless in the face of your persuasive nature. He guzzled you down like he was dying of thirst, and then poured the rest out, almost mournfully. He kissed me goodbye, as well as his son, for the next 30 days, and walked away. Truth be told, I was afraid he would never make it to the door. I think he had to take you with him, to even find the courage to walk in that direction. He did make it to that door. I didn’t see him, and I didn’t even look back, because I knew it was a choice he had to make without me.

He has been free from your grip now for 31 days. It has been a nasty divorce, but I doubt he misses you. I for one, do not. You may see me from time to time, sitting across the restaurant from you. You may even occasionally be invited to sit at my table, though I doubt it will be often. The one thing you should know is that over me, you have no influence. You are powerless. I bid you adue… Parting is not such sweet sorrow after all.

-Aimee

~ by starrgrrrl on December 17, 2007.